Our generation has commenced a trend of deviating from cultural practices which conflict with our progressively increasing liberal modes of thought. The issue of consent, free consent, to live ones life in accordance with ones own morals and principles has long been drawn out, and for centuries people have been fighting for freedom in a variety of ways. The battle is far from over.

There still remains certain issues which continue to be underrated, if not blatantly ignored, within even our generation British Bengalis. Issues which are too awkward or horrifying to discuss or even contemplate. Issues which insinuate an abuse of power in the safest haven we know, by those whom we trust the most.

For years, I like the majority of the population, recognised the existence of issues such as domestic violence and child abuse (be that emotional, physical or sexual), but never contemplated their presence within our own secular community. The myth that I believed was that this, like other ‘taboo issues', must be an issue prevalent in the white working class community. Our community, tightly knit and highly regularised as it is, surely wouldn’t condone such behaviour! The truth is that it does not. However, since entering the legal profession, I have come into direct contact with both abused men, women and children, and it is my assertion that our society does not recognise the signs of such offenders, and the plight of the victim thus goes unnoticed. The purpose of this article is not to invade the privacy of the sanctity of the home, marriage and childhood, but to raise awareness of the presence of such issues amongst us all.

You will be familiar with the saying those we love the most have the ability to hurt us the most”. Nowhere else does this ring more true than within the issues being discussed in this article. When a person whom we, in accordance with custom, culture, and religion, hold in high esteem and authority, conducts an objectionable act, either in the name of discipline or indeed without reason, through love or faith it is very easy to overlook the intensity of the wrong. When one is repeatedly subject to such objectionable acts, within four silent buffer walls, one can become immune to hurt attached thereto and seek inner peace and divine justice. All that is very well, but at what price?

It is considered by our community shameful to be the victim in such instances, and aces which occur within the home are actively discouraged from being discussed elsewhere. For example, a man or a woman may come to expect such violence or abuse of power in the home to be part of his or her “lot in life” and blame his or her fate. After all, whom does one tell? Close family shun such suggestions and inevitably disbelieve the victim. The incentives to overcome and breakaway from such an organised abuse of power are just not out there. It is for us to create a community that is sympathetic to victims and not judgmental of them. As a result of the stigmas attached currently to these issues and the victims of them, matters are not openly discussed but silently endured. Maybe not by the vast majority, but however slim the minority, the numbers are still too high.

Allow me to cite examples which I have come across within my profession to portray some harsh realities. Examples which have opened my eyes and raised my awareness of the issues at hand.

I once had an elderly gentleman client whom had married overseas to a much younger wife when his first wife passed away. His second wife entered the United Kingdom with children whom by then were young adults and within years, she was running the family affairs single-handedly. Her sons became the main breadwinners of her home and her spouse was reliant on state benefits for survival. Her parental family had only permitted her “marriage” to this elderly gentleman so that she could live in the UK. This status was abused by her, Her husband was repeatedly told that he had no use within the family and should return to his home land permanently and alone. To be permitted to eat and sleep in what is and what was his own home, he needed to pass over his benefit payments to the family. He was constantly humiliated within the home and had on occasions been subject to physical abuse from his wife and children. He had wounds as a constant reminder of the same. Verbal and emotional abuse were a daily norm for him. Whom was this elderly gentleman to approach for help? One of the first things that he said to me was that for years he had tolerated the abuse to which he was subject. He felt that just because he had been humiliated at home, did not necessarily mean that he wanted to face public humiliation in the latter years of his life prior to his death.

Another harsh example was young British born man whom, partial to both drink and drugs and subject to family pressure went to Bangladesh and married a cousin there. Her family thought that he was doing them an immense favour by bringing their daughter to the United Kingdom and providing her with the life style attached thereto. Little did they know what was to come. Her husband exercised his authority as husband, he that must be obeyed second to God, and pimped his own wife to fend his habits. They had a take-away business which they ran together and as and when the need arose, he would drive her to a certain address and pick her up at an agreed time thereafter. These horrifying facts could not be repeated by this woman out loud, never mind discussed with another. The young woman in question was not permitted to contact her own family and was thus trapped with a man whom she no longer respected, in an alien country and culture. Each time I met this woman, she was, in full hijaab, portraying the most respectable of images, and yet the woman underneath the hijaab had been forced to compromise her self-respect in totality.

There was once also a young woman whose husband had left her for another woman leaving her behind with young children. Her family had supported her by taking her overseas and arranging her remarriage. Second husband arrived in the United Kingdom thereafter. For years her children appeared to her to be very withdrawn in the presence of their step father. She saw this as a mark of respect. Years later, one of the youngest of the children mentioned to a neighbour’s child that she was sore” and further that step father “hurts” her. This neighbour’s child unconsciously mentioned this conversation to her mother whom in turn informed the mother of the child in question. A few days later, step father via pure coincidence went overseas on family business and mother approached her children in respect of the step father’s conduct towards them. What came to light was that her own children had been subjected to abuse by her very spouse. Who could she tell and whom would believe her? This mother recognised that despite the step father’s position in her life, her first priority was to prevent her children from being further violated, She informed the police and the step father was arrested immediately upon his return to the UK at the port of entry. In prison, this young woman went to visit her husband to ask why, and he told her that God would never forgive for betraying her husband in such a way. He was oblivious to the fact that he had committed the ultimate betrayal.

These examples are all horrifying but true, easier to ignore, too traumatic to accept. Abuse, you will see, cannot be neatly categorised, it can be physical, emotional, sexual or a combination of these. It is up to ourselves, professionals within our own community, to raise awareness of the wrongs of such acts. To break the taboo that the victims are in anyway to blame, and to accept that everyone of us is capable of abusing trust. Once that recognition sets in, the unfortunate amongst us will overcome their fear and speak out and be heard. And then, and only then, will the perpetrators be bought to justice.

There are people whom can help, whose assistance cannot be overemphasised. Members of the family, the police, solicitors, women’s help groups, local authorities, counsellors, to mention but a few. The abuse itself can remain within the four walls should the victim and perpetrator maintain this, but one must always realise that its effect upon the victim continues forever.

Not for a moment am I suggesting that only men are the perpetrators and women and children are always the victims. My above mentioned cited examples serve to confirm this. I guess the point that I am trying to get across is that it shouldn’t hurt to live at home surrounded by those you trust. But please be aware, that sometimes, it does